Goodbye, Hairgroves

I was blessed to live with the Hairgroves for 5 months this past year. Looking back, I can't believe it was that long. I wanted/hoped to live with a family after graduation to learn what a Christ-centered household looked like and for a personal reprieve from trying to "keep up" with my peers and feeling burnt-out with school and religion. I sit here in awe of how much I learned from both Preston and Angie, independently and as a couple.

1. My favorite lesson: you can be a stickler about drinking raw milk and buying organic veggies and meat, but still indulge in a box of store-bought brownies or cookies for breakfast.
2. Being addicted to coffee is ok :)
3. Live life with an open door policy. Especially to family and friends.
4. Challenge yourself, but know when to step back and relax too.
5. TV is not a sin.
6. Neither is needing a beer after a long day.
7. Marriage is a partnership and friendship -- (these two are seriously best friends. They aren't exactly the same, but they are the perfect team, pulling from each others strengths and weaknesses.)
8. You can go to grad school at any phase of life. Even if you have two babies.
9. Sometimes the best thing you can do when a child is pooping on the floor and the dog is eating it, is laugh :)
10. You can be an educated believer. In fact, education is something to be celebrated.
11. Family is very important.
12. Family is also very crazy. Everyone's is a little dysfunctional.
13. Pursuing God looks different throughout life.
14. It is OK to cry when things hurt.
15. If you pee in a toilet, you will get candy.
16. A baby's learning to stand up is just as exciting as any adventure.
17. Don't give up on your dreams and don't give up on hope.
18. Baking soda and vinegar can also be used as shampoo and conditioner.
19. Sometimes sitting with a child in your lap can cure even the funkiest funk.

The two listened and supported me as I started my new job in the Emergency Department, worked night shift, went on dates, attempted Crossfit, applied to grad school, faded in and out of church and community, and processed other normal changes that accompany growing up. The two were solid, and I am not sure how I would have made it through the past six months without them. I am sad to see them go, but excited that they are one step closer to pursuing their dreams. I love the Hairgroves :)

Living with death

Yesterday was an emotionally hard day at the hospital. A woman brought her 6-month old for the third day in a row, complaining of fever. When the infant was seen on Thursday, the attending doctor gave the child some ibuprofen and tylenol to control the fever and sent him on his way. On Friday, when the baby returned after having a febrile seizure, the mother was again instructed to control the fever with adequate tylenol and motrin, some blood work was drawn, urine was tested, and the baby was sent home. Yesterday the infant returned, still with a fever. The baby had a whimpering cry, but we see this sort of thing all the time. The patient appeared to be stable and was sent back to a room where more blood and urine were collected. Because the infant had been to the hospital three consecutive days, the MD decided to perform a lumbar puncture to test the infant for meningitis. This is a procedure that most doctors try to avoid because it can be very stressful for the infant. When the doc put the needle in the baby's spine, the baby began to take agonal breaths and proceeded to stop breathing. The nurse at the bedside began CPR and they wheeled the baby into the code room. I have never seen a doctor look so panicked as this usually-calm MD struggled to intubate the child. Multiple pages were made over the loud speaker to get an anesisiologist to come to the emergency department for assistance. This is unusual in itself because the emergency room staff are usually the first responders, the ones who help other floors when there is a code. There were tons of people in and out of the room, trying to save the baby. Finally, they were able to get the child stable enough to transfer him to a pediatric ICU. We found out 30 minutes after the transfer that the baby had died.

What went wrong? Maybe nothing. This experience chilled me to the bone. How many times do we send people home that may have life-threatening illnesses? I have seen this twice now. It is scary. Of course we save more lives than not, but our humanity is so precious.

I realized yesterday how crucial teamwork is in the emergency department. The doctors and nurses were side-by-side providing physical (and sometimes emotional) support. My job may seem draining, but the work I do really is important. Not many people can say that. I sometimes wonder why I put myself through the emotional turmoil of life and death, dealing with people of all ages, social classes, and religions... I feel all of these things so deeply, and it is painful. I don't want to become numb, but it is hard to process and work through difficult life experiences. I am often scared when taking care of patients, and I think that is ok. There should be a little fear in the face of possible death. I do not want to let this inhibit my learning and ability to care for those that may be dying. I want to challenge death with strength and accept it with grace.

I am comforted by the words of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:

"Both birth and death involve great changes and adjustment, often inconveniences and pain, but also joy, reunion, and a new beginning. If it were not for our inner knowledge that we are on this earth plane for a relatively short time, then why should we strive for perfection, for love and peace, if it were not for the desire to leave this place a little bit better, a little bit more human than when we entered it?

We make progress in our society only if we stop cursing and complaining about its shortcomings and have the courage to do something about them. It is painful to admit our own fears, sense of guilt and shame, inadequacy, and low self-esteem; however, it is the brave one who admits these, the strong one who will fight his own negativity, and the trusting and faithful one who will see the light at the end of the tunnel."
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross