Thunder

Pitter patter BOOM. I absolutely love sitting out on this porch... especially during thunder storms.

Let me rephrase that... I absolutely love sitting out on the porch during thunderstorms when my computer is NOT being threatened by torrential downpours. I just had to run inside to protect this bad boy. Anywho, I would love to go to sleep right now but I must wait for my mom to get here. She is on her way up from Charlotte so that we can head to my grandparents house tomorrow am. YAY! The rest of the gals are off at a concert in Durham I think.

Here are some things that people have said to me throughout the week that have impacted me and/or made me laugh...

1. "You looked scared when you first came in here."
2. "You have holy hands."
3. "Find yourself a good country boy, honey."
4. "I think you pretend to be a naive southern belle. Now, you have showed a little more of yourself to me and we have moved on to another level of communication that you will may not reach with everyone. Don't ever open up everything to anyone, you must save some for yourself."
5. "Continue to do crafts, you need that creative outlet."
6. "Travel nurses ARE allowed to have pets."
7. "My daughter loves the operating room, but she knows she could not adapt the mindset that it takes to get through med school. That is why she chose another field of medicine"
8. "You must drive a nice car, right? What kinda car you have? You married? Got kin? I bet your momma is a great cook then."
9. "You are going to have a good life, Sarah."

Tears

I cried today for the first time in almost a year. For those of you who are close to me, you know that I have difficulty crying. It is not that I don't feel emotion, I do. I just have a difficult time embracing the vulnerability of a good cry. The ugly face, the audible sighs, the release of an uncontrolled spell. I want to cry. I even try to cry sometimes because I know it will make me feel better, but that NEVER works.

I cried today because of a patient. She didn't die, nor is she well, but I suppose I have grown rather fond of her in my heart.

I first met L* my second day on the unit. She was the patient that had part of her colon removed, a seemingly simple procedure, but the doctor messed up and punctured a portion of the intestine higher than he was supposed to. This resulted in complications and simultaneously, more surgeries. A three day in-and-out turned into a 30 day journey. She wasn't even allowed to drink water or suck on ice for the longest time.

The first time I cared for her, I had heard from the other nurses that she was a "diva." She had tattooed eyebrows and eyelashes, fake breast, manicured nails, perfect bob haircut, and was 63 years old. All of this aside, she was quite helpless looking with three tubes draining from her abdomen, a tube down her nose, a foley catheter for urine, and a newly placed colostomy bag (this is basically a poop bag outside of your body). She was very weak and dependent, but still sweet with a strong presence. As I spent time with her, I got to know her hobbies, occupation, likes, and dislikes. I learned how she loved the beach, gardening, a quiet home, and spending time with her children and grandchildren. She was once a high school teacher, then a principal, and now a college professor in education. She was divorced too. I don't know why, but we took to one another. She would ask me about my weekends, my decorating plans for my apartment, life dreams, or what I had for dinner. I enjoyed our time and I looked forward to helping her.

Today I found out that her family had decided to transfer her to another hospital. They have not been happy with their doctor group (I can't say I don't blame them, he did after all mess up), and wanted to move her to a hospital where they felt she would have a better medical advocate. L promised that the nursing care here was "superior" and told her family members and frieds that I was her favorite or that she had "just been talking about me." I often felt like she was speaking of me as a proud mother would talk about her daughter, sharing about my character and accomplishments. As I provided care for her the last time today, she told me that I was very special and blessed me. Right before she left, I walked over to her bed and told her I would miss seeing her. With that, she tenderly grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes, thanked, and wished me luck in life. I started to tear up in her room, but tried to smile. I quickly spun towards the door because I didn't want her family (including her x-hubby) to see me and forced a smile. I think I may have even tried to laugh. I took deep breaths and went to a bathroom in an empty room to let myself cry a little. A few big heaves with drops that filled the creases of my eyes, and I had collected myself again.

I am not sure why I was affected by this woman so much. Perhaps it was because I saw a glimpse of myself in her... independent and driven with perfectionist tendencies. Yet at the same time her heart was gentle, and she was scared. Today as I asked her what she was thinking, she said she couldn't believe this happened to so few people and yet it had happened to her. For the very first time I could see how afraid and vulnerable she felt.

L told me I "would receive for what I gave," little does she know how much she opened my heart. I weep the tears that she cannot cry, and that is the most beautiful gift of all.

Advice

A friend of mine brought it to my attention the other day that everyone seems to have advice for me. Go do this, go do that. On one hand I would love to have clear direction and know the outcome, but I realize that would take some of the joy away from my adventure. As much as I think I want their words and "fortune telling", as soon as I receive them I want to squeeze them out like venom to my flesh. I want to experience life on my own. I want to be open to different opportunities and follow where the compass in my heart leads.

My dad called the other night and said such encouraging words to me... I don't think he even knew how timely they were. He told me that no matter what, things would work out and not to worry. He reminded me of how things may be unconventional, but that it can work... and it will work. Trust and faith. The older I have gotten, the more I have grown to love that my father is a horse trainer. It is not a glorious job, nor is it financially "sound" or stable. I love that when my parents met, my mom encouraged him in that desire to be a horse trainer. I love that it is unconventional, but that it works. I have always had everything I ever needed, and for the most part, wanted. And best of all, I love that my dad has always gone to work smiling.

Here is a quote from "Brave New World" that I have always loved:
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."

Tailer Trash

Today I picked up a desk that I found on Craigslist.com in Durham. I got my roommate Caitlin to come with me to look at it, and when she typed in the address she found that the man, A, lived in a trailer park. I may have been more concerned about going to a trailer park to look at furniture, but because I had Caitlin with me I was not worried. As a precaution, we told all of our friends where we were going and took the trip at 10 am. First we dropped Caitlin's car off at a dealership to get fixed, and then we trekked up 70 West. We had trouble finding the place, so I called A for directions. His son answered, and told us to turn around. After we drove almost completely back to Raleigh, we called again, this time talking to A, and were told to turn around again and got proper directions. The home was 20 minutes in the opposite direction. I was really glad to have Caitlin with me, otherwise I am sure the miscommunication about location would have been trying. As we pulled into the trailer park, both Caitlin and I expressed our sense of ease for there were many toddler toys in people's yards. A's house was pepto-bismal pink, with cotton candy blue shutters and trim. NO JOKE. There was junk all over the yard too.. furniture, baby toys, vases, you name it. We knocked on the door and waited. A actually lived across the dirt road, but was helping his x-wife sell furniture and move out. As soon as he showed me the desk I knew it would be the perfect addition to my room. (I have attached a picture). There was a ton of other vintage furniture in the home and I had to force myself from trying to buy more of it. I don't think he knew what treasures he had. Oh, and he also had a tanning bed. Kind of a weird thing for a 40 year old African American man to have huh? As we loaded up the desk, he told me he had about 30 responses for this piece, but that I was the first one he called and so I had gotten it. He told me, "you were meant to have it." How cute. I encouraged him to list his other pieces as antique or vintage because he would probably get more inquiries. He appreciated my help. The best part of this story is... I only paid $35 for the desk! AND, he threw in a little metal stool. It came with a cushion, but I left it because it was dirty. A also told us that his son is a computer science major at UNCC, and that I should look for him. The chances of me meeting his son while at school are quite slim, but I told him I would.

It was a successful day! It just goes to show that one man's [trailer] trash, is another [wo]man's treasure.

Lancaster

Last night, a Raleigh friend came over to the house with her mother to visit. I began talking to her mom and found out that she is a nurse in an ER just past Lancaster, SC, in a town that has "springs" in it. She encouraged me to work in a rural hospital because of the amount of experience I would get. She said that because they are further away from a main hospital such as CMC downtown, that they see a lot of stuff in the ER that you wouldn't normally see. Burn victims, drug abuse, gun wounds, you name it! Apparently nurses get a lot more autonomy too. Her mother also told me that it is better to start somewhere like ER because then you can transfer where ever you want. A lot of times if you start out (and stay) in somewhere like Med Serg, you get "pegged" as a Med Serg nurse and have to stay there. I don't think I would mind working in SC to start off... Especially if I was close to the barn and could go ride!

I really have no idea what kind of nursing I will go into when I graduate. There are so many options! Stay in Charlotte, go to Raleigh, go overseas, travel nursing, camp nurse, graduate school, you name it! Every time I try to figure stuff out I feel like I am not supposed to worry about it right now. My other friend, Lauren, recently gave me a GRE study book because I had mentioned maybe wanting to go to grad school. When I got it, I felt like a kid who had burnt her tongue on cookies that weren't yet finished. The end will be perfectly sweet if I just wait on it.

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

I just made a s'more in the microwave. Delicious!

In other news... I am almost completely moved into the NoDa condo. I LOVE IT!!! I can't wait to post pictures when my room is finished. It is going to be magazine worthy :)

Missionaries

I am not sure I will do this story justice... but I figured I would try. Enjoy :)

Last Monday, the most amazing thing happened at work. I got my assignment, and made my morning rounds to get vital signs. One of the last patients I visited was a 40/50-something year old man appeared to have mental and physical handicaps. I figured he must have been born that way and was surprised to hear that he had a wife and children. I thought, "hmm... Maybe his wife is handicap too?" The reason I thought there was something "off" was because when I would talk to him, his mouth would remain slightly open and his eyes were glazed and unfocused as if he were looking straight through me. His body twitched and jerked and he kept grabbing at his leg saying that it hurt. I wasn't sure what to do, and continued to take his vital signs while holding my breath at his smell. I knew that he wanted or needed something, but he couldn't express to me what it was. I didn't know what to do and secretly wished that his wife would hurry up and come to the hospital so that she would take care of him. Horrible, I know. I talked to the other nursing assistant that had him as a patient a few days prior and she shared that he had Hunington's Disease, and was currently hospitalized because of a back injury. Him and his family were on vacation from Illinois and he had fallen in the middle of the night while using the restroom. When he fell, he broke the toilet, and a shattered piece went into his back, piercing straight to the bone. Apparently there was water and blood everywhere, and it was an awful sight. She told me that his wife was really sweet, and that she had told her that when her husband, P*, was in pain, that he would have more tremors. I shared this with my nurse, and she gave him some pain medicine to alleviate his symptoms.

His wife arrived shortly after breakfast, and was very bubbly. She had short brown hair, hiking pants, and a little purse back-pack. I thought she looked like she should be either at Disney World or on a safari in Africa. We talked, and I asked her (hoping) if she wanted to bathe her husband. She said she had never done a bed bath, so she wanted to watch me to learn. It ended up being the best experience ever... As I bathed P, I asked A* about Hunington's Disease and their vacation to Raleigh. She shared that the disease was progressive, and that when she married P, they had no idea that he had it. In his 30's he started to exhibit signs such as a leg twitch, and later tested positive for the gene. Slowly the disease has killed his brain cells, resulting in physical and cognitive handicaps. In fact, they were in Raleigh for a Hunington's Disease conference. She told me about all the research scientists have been doing and how much progress they have made. She did say, however, that there probably would not be a significant cure or palliative device until it was too late for P. I asked about their occupations, and A told me that they were actually missionaries in Africa when P was diagnosed with Hunington's Disease. I could not believe my ears... I had JUST been convicted a few days prior that no matter what I did or how much I "loved God", I was not entitled to perfect health. Specifically, I was challenged by the thought of becoming ill while doing something extremely philanthropic such as serving as a nurse in Africa. Chills ran across my skin as she began to tell me about the journey Hunington's Disease has sent her and her husband on... She told me how P was a Pastor, speaking 3 different languages, and lived amongst the native people. When they learned that P had HD, people told them that he would be healed because they were missionaries and were "serving God". She said she knew that God could heal P if He wanted, but that this was His will for them. She said that she had learned a lot about faith and trusting God's purpose. How this was God's will for now, even though it did not look like what she thought it should. P is a greeter at their Church in Illinois, and that countless individuals have shared with her how much of an encouragement he has been to them. He is at church every Sunday and remembers everyones names. I told A that I was amazed by her and the fact that she is faithful to him, and to God. It would have been so easy to run away from this man, for it was clear that this failing body and mind was not the individual that she married. She then told me about their children... They have two daughters -- both whom have tested positive for the HD gene :( -- and an adopted son from Africa. The son was born on the road while his mother and sisters were escaping Rowanda. When the family arrived to their refuge destination, his mother and sisters got very ill and died. A and P had been praying about adopting a child, and then this little baby boy came to them as an orphan. They said there was a lot of heartache involved in adoption, because anyone could have come and claimed him (even child soldier people that did not know him) and they would have had to oblige due to lack of rights as non-citizens. She showed me pictures of her son and told me how he is in school in Il, has straight A's, is on sports teams, and is a great kid. She was so proud!

Before I left the family for the day, I knew I needed to pray with them. I asked if I could (apparently as a nurse we are allowed to provide spiritual support so this was totally in my scope of practice!), and she joyfully said "that would be wonderful." I placed my hand on P's, and A put her arm around him. I don't remember half of what I said, but I know I thanked them for the encouragement that they were to me and for peace and healing of body and soul. When I was finished, A was crying and P had a peaceful look upon his face and said his only clear words of the day: "thank you." A walked over, hugged me, and said that this was an answered prayer. She said that she was encouraged to see someone my age convicted by the fact that my health may flee, but that only one thing remains constant. I can try to figure out how I was an answered prayer, or try to remember what I said, or analyze how crazy the whole situation was... but I know that it doesn't matter. All that matters is that in that moment, something greater happened to all of us.

Sorry for the delay...

Hello blog readers!

Sorry for the delay in entries, I have been a busy gal. I worked Sun, Mon, Wed, Thurs, each 12-hour shifts. Yikes! The shifts go by quickly, but it messes up my "routine." I like to have time every day to spend with others, and then alone, but I am unable to do that when I only have 3 hours before bedtime every night and need to clean dishes and perform other various household tasks.

I enjoy talking to my patients and have found that they give me a lot of positive feedback. There is one patient, the same fellow who likes the IV's in his veins, that told me yesterday that he really appreciated me, that I "carried myself well", that he could tell I was a good person, and has told his son about me because I was pretty. Haha. Later he told me, "If you ever want to take a break and talk to me for five minutes, just come on in. I love talkin' to ya." Then another time he told me he was going to "add me into his will" and "dance at my wedding." Maybe that is weird or bad, but he never makes me feel uncomfortable so I don't mind. Another woman who is always really quiet and seems upset said something really kind to me today. I needed to take her blood pressure and asked her how she was feeling. She said she was having trouble sleeping because people kept waking her up so I apologized . After a moment, in her same pained voice, "I am not bothered by you, you always make me smile."

As far as my nursing skills go, I am becoming much more confident in what I do. Lately my nurses will just tell me to do some of their tasks and I will go and do them by myself. It is great! Today I hung IV's and took care of a lot of patients on my own. I realized too today while I was holding my breath and dumping out a urinal that I will be prepared for motherhood if I ever have children! Haha!

I have a really amazing story to share, but I want to have time to sit down and really write it out. It deserves that much effort. Until then, this will have to suffice. Thanks for listening!