AWKWARD

I had a totally awkward moment today. I will preface this by saying that Duke Raleigh is a SMALL hospital. I have come into contact with almost every employee at least once, so it is weird when I notice someone new. This morning I woke up for work at the usual time but HAD to take a shower. Typically I take them at night, but I sweat profusely during my sleep last night... This also requires some explanation. We have pretty much decided to turn off the air conditioning because our last bill was over $200. Ridiculous! So instead we will sweat. For those who know me: NO. I have not been sleeping in my usual get up of sweat pants and sweat shirt with the hood over my head and 5 billion blankets. I have been instead sporting underwear and a tank top with a sheet. I am about one more night of sweat away from going completely comando. Sorry if that is "TMI". Despite the alteration of my morning routine, I still arrived at work early and was able to spend some quiet time in my car before having to clock-in at 6:45. If you are wondering why I didn't just clock-in early, it is because we are penalized if we work before our shift because we "weren't asked to come in early." As I was sitting in my car, another car speedily pulled in next to me. I made eye contact with the driver, who happened to be a young man dressed in casual clothing. I thought it was odd that 1. I have never seen him before, and 2. that he was dressed this way. The situation quickly turned awkward as I realized that my mental guessing game of who-he-was or what-department-he-was in, was accompanied by me staring. Let me rephrase that, it turned awkward when I realized the staring was mutual and that we had in fact, made eye contact. I hate when that happens and quickly looked away, hoping I would never see him again.

At 10 am I went down to the OR to watch a laproscopic gallstone removal. As I was waiting for the nurse, I saw that man again, this time dressed in scrubs and sipping on coffee in the OR. Greatttttt. I was rescued by the scrub nurse and went into the room to watch the hour long procedure which was actually pretty cool. The doctor made an incision in the woman's belly button, inflated her with gas to have better visibility, inserted three tools into small holes in the upper right abdomen, and used a video camera to navigate. The removal was done while looking at a screen, and the doctor "played around" with the camera and showed me all of the woman's internal organs. Guess what, a liver really looks like liver you would buy at the store. Gross, huh? The doctor was a nice older man with long hair who insisted on teaching me about 70's music during the procedure. It was funny. After he and the surgical tech stitched the woman up, I headed back to my floor to work. When I arrived to the elevator, I found that I was not the only one needing a lift. I was accompanied by an older gentleman with a linen cart, and of course, the young man from earlier, still dressed in his OR gear, and with a lunch box. We all got on in silence. The old man got off first, and then it was just me and the doctor man. I tried to avoid eye contact and kept glancing at the top of the elevator as if that would somehow make it climb the building faster. I have no idea why I was so intimidated/quiet. I am usually a talker and have no problem chatting up people I run into. He broke the silence and said, "I am surprised they let you get away with wearing Carolina Blue at a Duke Hospital." Instead of taking it is a joke I replied, "well actually I have to wear this color. It is called Ceil Blue." He then said something about how yes, the different floors and departments wear different colors to differentiate themselves. As the elevator stopped, I practically ran out and said something to the extent of "Have a good day." I then realized I had turned the wrong way and had gotten off on the wrong floor. Bahahaha. So dumb!!! I don't know why I acted like such a girl or was so awkward about it. I mean, he was just a cute, young, surgeon, right?? Jokes, jokes. But seriously, I do NOT act like that around strangers. I made myself laugh at how embarrassed I was. Anddd if I am being serious, I don't think I would ever be interested in a doctor. It is funny how the science of medicine is so foggy, yet many doctors appear to be black and white. I need more mystery in my life. Who knows though... I may still be a nun and collect babies from the foreign lands I visit :)

In other news, our new friend Ponni made us an amazing indian dinner tonight. Her and her fiance Kevin just moved to Raleigh from California so that Kevin can go to graduate school. They are really sweet and cute. I can't wait to get to know them better!

Dinner Experiment

Tonight I made dinner for Sarah and Sanj. I needed to use up some cucumbers, zucchini, tomato, bell pepper, mushrooms, and bread. I call it Experimental Cooking #2.

Here is what I made:

-Cucumber salad:
3 cups cucumbers, 1/2 onion, 1 Tablespoon of sugar, 1/2 teaspoon sea salt, 2 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil, 1 sliced tomato. Mixed & refrigerated

-Veggie Melts:
Three slices of bread, 1 zucchini-thinly sliced, 1/2 onion chopped, 1 cup mushrooms chopped, 1/2 bell pepper sliced (I used an orange one), 4 minced garlic cloves, 3 slices cheese (I used american), salt & pepper to taste, 1 tablespoon vegetable oil, water.
With the skillet on medium heat, saute the onion, mushrooms, garlic, and bell pepper in 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil. After a few minutes add a little bit of water to the skillet. After the veggies are mostly cooked, add the zucchini to the mixture. Add salt & pepper to taste. Toast the bread. Put veggies and 1 slice of cheese on top of each slice of bread. If the cheese needs help melting, put it in the microwave for a fifteen seconds.

This meal was actually VERY flavorful. The girls really liked it and I was totally proud of myself! SUCCESS!!!

G-ma & G-Pa

I took a trip to Potomac this past weekend. It was great to spend some time with the fam. Check out this awesome itinerary:

Saturday:
6am: leave Raleigh with my mom.
6am-12pm: Drive, crochet, wonderful chats, eat, drink, pee.
12pm-3pm: Shop at a huge, overwhelming mall. Learned that I prefer Goodwill's size, limited selection, and price tags much more. Plus I think thrift shopping makes you experiment more with your style. Too many choices may not always be a good thing.
3pm-5pm: Traffic, showers, hotel check-in, get ready for dinner
5pm: Old-folks-style-early-bird dinner. Pretty good Salmon with a side of green beans. Dessert of cherry with chocolate chip oatmeal crisp.
8pm: attempt to do some homework on my computer only to discover that my cd-rom doesn't work on my Mac. Bummer!

Sunday:
6:30am-8:30: C&O canal 6 mile run with my Uncle and 14-year-old cousin. Talked about prayer, God, life, running, and food.
9am: Breakfast at the hotel with the fam. 1 Uncle + 2 aunts + 2 grandparents + 2 cousins + my mom
12pm-3pm: visit the Navy Exchange. A small Sears that was tax free. I accidently tried on bras in the men's dressing room... and then left my sweater in there. After we left the Navy store I realized I had forgotten it (my mom kept calling and pressuring me to hurry up. Doesn't she know you can't rush bra shopping?!), so she and my G-pa went back to collect my lost clothing while G-ma, Aunt Jennifer, and I shopped at a fancy grocery store. I got a yummy salad and all kinds of samples. Oh the Navy Exchange also had See's chocolate, the best chocolate ever.
4pm-5pm: first nap in a while. I could get used to this! Fell asleep to the twins (my mom and aunt) chatting on the bed next to me. Kinda cute.
6pm: dinner with the while fam mentioned above with the addition of one more uncle. We ate at http://www.mykonosgrill.com/ This was seriously the BEST meal I have ever had. No joke. I ate so much. The dessert was amazing as well. I now want to go to Greece. Also, our hostess had an amazing blue nail polish on; I am putting it on my shopping list!
8pm: Went for an adventure by myself after dinner. I needed to walk... so full! I felt like my pops taking a stroll like this. Chatted with a friend from home.

Monday:
7am: "slept in", coffee and yogurt in the lobby, journal and Bible in hand. Great start to my day!
9am: round 2 of breakfast with the grandparents. Don't you love how older people find so much joy out of feeding you?? Haha.
10am: walk around my grandparents property. I love their little white fence, brick house with vines, and red barn. I hope that these buildings are preserved in time. Chat with my cuz.
11am-5:30pm: drive back. More good chats with my momma. Phone call with Miss Loffer=goodness. Lots of thoughts of future adventures swirling through my head...
6:15pm: Nog Jog with Marc. Good chats, too much heat, stomach cramps. I enjoy my new friendship with this running partner. He offers a lot of life perspective but not in a "I am so much older than you" way. I feel like he is an open older brother-ish.
8pm+: hang out with roomies, unexpected visitors, NC State ice cream eating, goodness. I really missed the girls while I was away. I can't believe there are only 4 weeks left of my internship. Weirddddd.

Thunder

Pitter patter BOOM. I absolutely love sitting out on this porch... especially during thunder storms.

Let me rephrase that... I absolutely love sitting out on the porch during thunderstorms when my computer is NOT being threatened by torrential downpours. I just had to run inside to protect this bad boy. Anywho, I would love to go to sleep right now but I must wait for my mom to get here. She is on her way up from Charlotte so that we can head to my grandparents house tomorrow am. YAY! The rest of the gals are off at a concert in Durham I think.

Here are some things that people have said to me throughout the week that have impacted me and/or made me laugh...

1. "You looked scared when you first came in here."
2. "You have holy hands."
3. "Find yourself a good country boy, honey."
4. "I think you pretend to be a naive southern belle. Now, you have showed a little more of yourself to me and we have moved on to another level of communication that you will may not reach with everyone. Don't ever open up everything to anyone, you must save some for yourself."
5. "Continue to do crafts, you need that creative outlet."
6. "Travel nurses ARE allowed to have pets."
7. "My daughter loves the operating room, but she knows she could not adapt the mindset that it takes to get through med school. That is why she chose another field of medicine"
8. "You must drive a nice car, right? What kinda car you have? You married? Got kin? I bet your momma is a great cook then."
9. "You are going to have a good life, Sarah."

Tears

I cried today for the first time in almost a year. For those of you who are close to me, you know that I have difficulty crying. It is not that I don't feel emotion, I do. I just have a difficult time embracing the vulnerability of a good cry. The ugly face, the audible sighs, the release of an uncontrolled spell. I want to cry. I even try to cry sometimes because I know it will make me feel better, but that NEVER works.

I cried today because of a patient. She didn't die, nor is she well, but I suppose I have grown rather fond of her in my heart.

I first met L* my second day on the unit. She was the patient that had part of her colon removed, a seemingly simple procedure, but the doctor messed up and punctured a portion of the intestine higher than he was supposed to. This resulted in complications and simultaneously, more surgeries. A three day in-and-out turned into a 30 day journey. She wasn't even allowed to drink water or suck on ice for the longest time.

The first time I cared for her, I had heard from the other nurses that she was a "diva." She had tattooed eyebrows and eyelashes, fake breast, manicured nails, perfect bob haircut, and was 63 years old. All of this aside, she was quite helpless looking with three tubes draining from her abdomen, a tube down her nose, a foley catheter for urine, and a newly placed colostomy bag (this is basically a poop bag outside of your body). She was very weak and dependent, but still sweet with a strong presence. As I spent time with her, I got to know her hobbies, occupation, likes, and dislikes. I learned how she loved the beach, gardening, a quiet home, and spending time with her children and grandchildren. She was once a high school teacher, then a principal, and now a college professor in education. She was divorced too. I don't know why, but we took to one another. She would ask me about my weekends, my decorating plans for my apartment, life dreams, or what I had for dinner. I enjoyed our time and I looked forward to helping her.

Today I found out that her family had decided to transfer her to another hospital. They have not been happy with their doctor group (I can't say I don't blame them, he did after all mess up), and wanted to move her to a hospital where they felt she would have a better medical advocate. L promised that the nursing care here was "superior" and told her family members and frieds that I was her favorite or that she had "just been talking about me." I often felt like she was speaking of me as a proud mother would talk about her daughter, sharing about my character and accomplishments. As I provided care for her the last time today, she told me that I was very special and blessed me. Right before she left, I walked over to her bed and told her I would miss seeing her. With that, she tenderly grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes, thanked, and wished me luck in life. I started to tear up in her room, but tried to smile. I quickly spun towards the door because I didn't want her family (including her x-hubby) to see me and forced a smile. I think I may have even tried to laugh. I took deep breaths and went to a bathroom in an empty room to let myself cry a little. A few big heaves with drops that filled the creases of my eyes, and I had collected myself again.

I am not sure why I was affected by this woman so much. Perhaps it was because I saw a glimpse of myself in her... independent and driven with perfectionist tendencies. Yet at the same time her heart was gentle, and she was scared. Today as I asked her what she was thinking, she said she couldn't believe this happened to so few people and yet it had happened to her. For the very first time I could see how afraid and vulnerable she felt.

L told me I "would receive for what I gave," little does she know how much she opened my heart. I weep the tears that she cannot cry, and that is the most beautiful gift of all.

Advice

A friend of mine brought it to my attention the other day that everyone seems to have advice for me. Go do this, go do that. On one hand I would love to have clear direction and know the outcome, but I realize that would take some of the joy away from my adventure. As much as I think I want their words and "fortune telling", as soon as I receive them I want to squeeze them out like venom to my flesh. I want to experience life on my own. I want to be open to different opportunities and follow where the compass in my heart leads.

My dad called the other night and said such encouraging words to me... I don't think he even knew how timely they were. He told me that no matter what, things would work out and not to worry. He reminded me of how things may be unconventional, but that it can work... and it will work. Trust and faith. The older I have gotten, the more I have grown to love that my father is a horse trainer. It is not a glorious job, nor is it financially "sound" or stable. I love that when my parents met, my mom encouraged him in that desire to be a horse trainer. I love that it is unconventional, but that it works. I have always had everything I ever needed, and for the most part, wanted. And best of all, I love that my dad has always gone to work smiling.

Here is a quote from "Brave New World" that I have always loved:
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."

Tailer Trash

Today I picked up a desk that I found on Craigslist.com in Durham. I got my roommate Caitlin to come with me to look at it, and when she typed in the address she found that the man, A, lived in a trailer park. I may have been more concerned about going to a trailer park to look at furniture, but because I had Caitlin with me I was not worried. As a precaution, we told all of our friends where we were going and took the trip at 10 am. First we dropped Caitlin's car off at a dealership to get fixed, and then we trekked up 70 West. We had trouble finding the place, so I called A for directions. His son answered, and told us to turn around. After we drove almost completely back to Raleigh, we called again, this time talking to A, and were told to turn around again and got proper directions. The home was 20 minutes in the opposite direction. I was really glad to have Caitlin with me, otherwise I am sure the miscommunication about location would have been trying. As we pulled into the trailer park, both Caitlin and I expressed our sense of ease for there were many toddler toys in people's yards. A's house was pepto-bismal pink, with cotton candy blue shutters and trim. NO JOKE. There was junk all over the yard too.. furniture, baby toys, vases, you name it. We knocked on the door and waited. A actually lived across the dirt road, but was helping his x-wife sell furniture and move out. As soon as he showed me the desk I knew it would be the perfect addition to my room. (I have attached a picture). There was a ton of other vintage furniture in the home and I had to force myself from trying to buy more of it. I don't think he knew what treasures he had. Oh, and he also had a tanning bed. Kind of a weird thing for a 40 year old African American man to have huh? As we loaded up the desk, he told me he had about 30 responses for this piece, but that I was the first one he called and so I had gotten it. He told me, "you were meant to have it." How cute. I encouraged him to list his other pieces as antique or vintage because he would probably get more inquiries. He appreciated my help. The best part of this story is... I only paid $35 for the desk! AND, he threw in a little metal stool. It came with a cushion, but I left it because it was dirty. A also told us that his son is a computer science major at UNCC, and that I should look for him. The chances of me meeting his son while at school are quite slim, but I told him I would.

It was a successful day! It just goes to show that one man's [trailer] trash, is another [wo]man's treasure.