I realized something pretty monumental this week. I do NOT have to be the best nurse ever. I do NOT have to change the world. I do NOT have to push myself to the max of my abilities to see what I can do. There are people who WANT to do that. Instead, I want to just embrace who I am. That, is the easy yoke.
I am a child,
I love my Creator.
I love to learn,
I love to serve.
I play outside,
I run through the trees.
The sun feeds my soul
and joy radiates from within.
I am an artist,
I create beauty with my hands.
I love people,
I love their stories.
I hear music,
I feel horses.
Silence refills my cup
and movement unleashes my spirit.
I am a child.
_________________________________________
This morning I decided I was going to have a good day at work. Per chance, I opened up to Psalm 119:1-8 (the message version) and was fueled.
"You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow his directions,
doing your best to find him.
That's right—you don't go off on your own;
you walk straight along the road he set.
You, God, prescribed the right way to live;
now you expect us to live it.
Oh, that my steps might be steady,
keeping to the course you set;
Then I'd never have any regrets
in comparing my life with your counsel.
I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
I'm going to do what you tell me to do;
don't ever walk off and leave me."
I enjoy nursing, but it does not define me. I find it interesting, and it helps shape me more and more into His likeness. Whenever I try to fabricate this "end-all" goal, I feel uneasy. Why do I continue to try to figure it all out? People from all walks of life, all faiths, and all races continue to speak the same message to me: "Embrace your creativity, embrace the creativity of life. You have no idea what doors will open or where you will end up." God's plan is so much greater than mine, why do I even try?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Be like a child.
I read today that between the ages 6 and 11 we are most ourselves, unswayed by "shoulds and shouldn'ts". During this time I had an "art studio" in my room. My studio was the top bunk of my bed. I had a ladder that I would climb to my sacred space and would require others to knock on the wooden frame before they were allowed in. Once I entered elementary school I taught "class" every weekend. I was very serious about it too! My mom would take me to the school supply store where I would buy dry erase boards and markers, make copies of worksheets, and create homework charts. My mom says I put sticky notes all over the living room too. I remember one time a mother got mad at me when I sent her 3 year old home with homework. Haha. When I got a little bit older I moved on to play house, made "roller coasters" by tying wagons to bicycles with jump ropes, and even used headbands, pipe cleaners, and wine corks to make headsets for the pretend drive-thru window in the driveway. I was always conjuring up games for the neighborhood kids... we had club houses, court houses, doctor's offices, you name it! I guess this means that my "perfect job" begins as an art teacher, but after I have 7 children I will decide to make a career change and work at a fast food restaurant at an amusement park. After that brief stint I will work in construction, setting up office spaces for different types of professionals. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Trust
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
Honor the Lord with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in."
My soul wants to trust, but my flesh fights back.
The heart grows weary of seeking control, but the mind protests that this is just.
Close thine eyes to be lead by You.
Trust. Patience. Obey. Love.
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
Honor the Lord with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in."
My soul wants to trust, but my flesh fights back.
The heart grows weary of seeking control, but the mind protests that this is just.
Close thine eyes to be lead by You.
Trust. Patience. Obey. Love.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
"No one understands."
I slept horribly last night. No idea why, but I woke up at 3:30 am with thoughts, dreams, and schemes. I couldn't go back to sleep. Embracing my sleepless state, I did some work and prepared for my day. I had to go to the education building first thing to take care of my CPR training. That went smoothly except for when I got confused with infant CPR. The instructor confused me when she kept asking me what the next step was, when in reality I was supposed to continue doing the same thing I was already doing. Luckily, she was kind and not too particular with how long it took me to catch on. Then I went up to the 3rd floor which is orthopedics.
The nurse I shadowed is a new nurse who has only been practicing for a year. She got her bachelors from App State and then her nursing degree from John's Hopkins. She said her "plan" was to be an ICU nurse and then go to school to become a CRNA, but that she has realized she needs to quit making plans because life goes differently. She said she is casually applying for other nursing jobs, but isn't sure exactly what type of nursing she wants to do. She said she likes talking to her patients (this is why she has hesitated with CRNA), teaching, critical care, advanced practice, being a leader, and medicine. Sounds like me! She said that as long as she doesn't know what she wants to do, she isn't ready to commit and spend more money on school but that it definitely seems likes an option for the future. We talked about being a doctor vs. a nurse and how it is hard not being the one on the top of totem poll. In school, she was top of her class, smart, motivated, and a leader. She said that no one really understands what it is like working 12 hour shifts in the hospital and that it is hard to relate. I agree. It was really good hearing her voice all of this, because I was feeling like I was the only one. It is like you are in this time warp of busy-ness. Sure, in other jobs you work long hours, but with nursing every moment counts. You aren't given a task list that you can complete at your leisure. Feeling inspired to begin the write-up for your boss at 11:15 instead of 11? Go for it. Needing a lunch pick-me-up from McAllisters? Your colleague may join you. Need to make a doctors appointment? Definitely. In nursing, you can't do any of that. Patients call you during your one 30-minute break to have you wipe their butts. You can't say "no, sorry, I'll come back to you later." You go. If you need a "break" during your shift you go hide (still standing on already sore feet might I add) in the medication closet to try and get yourself together before returning to the floor, where calculating deadly dosages is somehow sandwiched between the roles of waitress and maid. You can't take time off to go get your teeth cleaned or mail that already late birthday package; all of your errands must wait until the next day when you aren't working. The idea of 4 days off sounds wonderful until you factor in that you spend that time recovering from a day of lost life. It's so weird! Sorry if this seems like a rant, I don't mean for it to, it just IS what it IS. I want to learn to adapt to this life, but at the same time I think I just want to work a 9 to 5 like the rest of the world.
The nurse I shadowed is a new nurse who has only been practicing for a year. She got her bachelors from App State and then her nursing degree from John's Hopkins. She said her "plan" was to be an ICU nurse and then go to school to become a CRNA, but that she has realized she needs to quit making plans because life goes differently. She said she is casually applying for other nursing jobs, but isn't sure exactly what type of nursing she wants to do. She said she likes talking to her patients (this is why she has hesitated with CRNA), teaching, critical care, advanced practice, being a leader, and medicine. Sounds like me! She said that as long as she doesn't know what she wants to do, she isn't ready to commit and spend more money on school but that it definitely seems likes an option for the future. We talked about being a doctor vs. a nurse and how it is hard not being the one on the top of totem poll. In school, she was top of her class, smart, motivated, and a leader. She said that no one really understands what it is like working 12 hour shifts in the hospital and that it is hard to relate. I agree. It was really good hearing her voice all of this, because I was feeling like I was the only one. It is like you are in this time warp of busy-ness. Sure, in other jobs you work long hours, but with nursing every moment counts. You aren't given a task list that you can complete at your leisure. Feeling inspired to begin the write-up for your boss at 11:15 instead of 11? Go for it. Needing a lunch pick-me-up from McAllisters? Your colleague may join you. Need to make a doctors appointment? Definitely. In nursing, you can't do any of that. Patients call you during your one 30-minute break to have you wipe their butts. You can't say "no, sorry, I'll come back to you later." You go. If you need a "break" during your shift you go hide (still standing on already sore feet might I add) in the medication closet to try and get yourself together before returning to the floor, where calculating deadly dosages is somehow sandwiched between the roles of waitress and maid. You can't take time off to go get your teeth cleaned or mail that already late birthday package; all of your errands must wait until the next day when you aren't working. The idea of 4 days off sounds wonderful until you factor in that you spend that time recovering from a day of lost life. It's so weird! Sorry if this seems like a rant, I don't mean for it to, it just IS what it IS. I want to learn to adapt to this life, but at the same time I think I just want to work a 9 to 5 like the rest of the world.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Date!
Today I had a wonderful date... with my roommate Sarah Joyce! We got pedicures, had great talks, visited a garden/her boy friend's design project, and went to Good Berry's for frozen custard. Yum!
The only yucky part of my day was realizing that my CPR had expired, telling my employer, finding out that I could not come back to work until it was fixed, paying to take a course online, studying, taking (and passing!) the test, calling my employer, arranging to come in tomorrow to get the second half of the test taken care of. Yikes! I have to make a few phone calls tomorrow too to try to get everything squared away. I did not mean for this to happen.
Also, I feel like I have spent so much money today. I had to buy textbooks, renew my yoga instructor certification, buy new shoes, pay for CPR, and pay other bills. I have enough to pay for all of it, but there is still something about spending money that makes me uneasy. What a necessary evil it is! I want to trust in this area of my life.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Pooped.
Today I was free from my Nursing Assistant duties and got to spend the whole day with my preceptor nurse, Sara. For some reason I am exhausted today... I am not sure why either. I got to bed around 10:30, and woke up at 5:30, and my tasks today were easy. However, I was cold, tired, and wanting to be home alllll day. When I arrived to the house I jumped in the freshly cleaned shower (Sarah had bleached it, bless her), and stayed there for about 20 minutes just letting the water wash over me. I felt bad "wasting time" or water, but I needed it. I made breakfast for dinner and plan on going to bed VERY early. Of course I wanted to do some record keeping before...
Today I helped set up a tube feeding, emptied a Jackson Pratt drain, removed a foley catheter, hung IV's, assisted in teaching a spanish-speaking patient how to check his own blood sugar, and participated in a bedside chest tube removal and insertion. The chest tube insertion was the highlight of the day. A patient involved in a motorcycle accident a few weeks ago was admitted to the hospital because of fluid build up in his lungs. His wife, and himself were taking a road trip when a deer hit them. The two ate pavement, and the husband broke his ribs. He stayed in a po-dunk hospital for a few days and then was sent home. A few weeks later he was outside, felt a sharp pain, and was unable to breath. He was put to sleep while a chest tube was placed to help drain the fluid off of his lung. The drain had not been draining much, and the patient had a high heart rate with difficulty breathing. The main doctor, Dr. 1, said everything was fine, but my nurse, myself, and the patient's wife (a neonatal nurse practitioner) thought the patient appeared to be getting worse. He was pale, sweaty, and seemed to be in an increasing amount of pain. The nurse called Dr. 1 to voice her concerns, but he was un-phased. My nurse decided to call another doctor, Dr. 2, to come look at the patient. Dr. 2 did not like what he saw and called Dr. 1 and basically asked him why the heck he wasn't worried. Dr. 1 finally ordered a chest x-ray which showed the fluid had not decreased since admission. Dr. 1 decided he was going to put in a new chest drain at the bedside. All of the nurses scurried around to get everything for him, for they did not want to inconvenience the doctor any more [for doing his job.] Dr. 1 wouldn't give the patient any more pain medicine than he was already prescribed because he thought the patient had enough. Therefore, the patient moaned, yelled, and whimpered while Dr. 1 cut his chest and shoved a new hard tube into his diaphram. At one point the patient flinched so hard that his knee hit Dr. 1's arm, pushing the tube in even further. Nice, huh? Apparently surgeons are rather insensitive to pain because their patients are usually sedated in the operating room. Kind of ridiculous. The poor patient said, "the other patients are going to get scared. I feel bad." after the procedure was done.
Dr. 2 was a really nice man, and I overheard him telling someone how he won't let his children be doctors because of how much it takes over your life, and how he had missed seeing his children grow up. He said that each year he says, I will do this or that, but that he never can get away. He asked, "when will I have time for my wife, when I am pushing her in a wheel chair?" He said that in med school they tell you it will get better, but it never does. He did, however, say that he has made some changes and now only works 60 hours a week. That is crazy. I don't think I could ever do that. This is not the first medical professional that I have heard say they won't let their children go into medicine or healthcare. Interesting.
Another patient left Sara and I a sweet note when she left thanking us for our care. She said we were her favorite :) As she left she gave me a hug and said that she "felt like she knew me." This is the second note that has been received with my name mentioned. It does a heart some good.
Today I helped set up a tube feeding, emptied a Jackson Pratt drain, removed a foley catheter, hung IV's, assisted in teaching a spanish-speaking patient how to check his own blood sugar, and participated in a bedside chest tube removal and insertion. The chest tube insertion was the highlight of the day. A patient involved in a motorcycle accident a few weeks ago was admitted to the hospital because of fluid build up in his lungs. His wife, and himself were taking a road trip when a deer hit them. The two ate pavement, and the husband broke his ribs. He stayed in a po-dunk hospital for a few days and then was sent home. A few weeks later he was outside, felt a sharp pain, and was unable to breath. He was put to sleep while a chest tube was placed to help drain the fluid off of his lung. The drain had not been draining much, and the patient had a high heart rate with difficulty breathing. The main doctor, Dr. 1, said everything was fine, but my nurse, myself, and the patient's wife (a neonatal nurse practitioner) thought the patient appeared to be getting worse. He was pale, sweaty, and seemed to be in an increasing amount of pain. The nurse called Dr. 1 to voice her concerns, but he was un-phased. My nurse decided to call another doctor, Dr. 2, to come look at the patient. Dr. 2 did not like what he saw and called Dr. 1 and basically asked him why the heck he wasn't worried. Dr. 1 finally ordered a chest x-ray which showed the fluid had not decreased since admission. Dr. 1 decided he was going to put in a new chest drain at the bedside. All of the nurses scurried around to get everything for him, for they did not want to inconvenience the doctor any more [for doing his job.] Dr. 1 wouldn't give the patient any more pain medicine than he was already prescribed because he thought the patient had enough. Therefore, the patient moaned, yelled, and whimpered while Dr. 1 cut his chest and shoved a new hard tube into his diaphram. At one point the patient flinched so hard that his knee hit Dr. 1's arm, pushing the tube in even further. Nice, huh? Apparently surgeons are rather insensitive to pain because their patients are usually sedated in the operating room. Kind of ridiculous. The poor patient said, "the other patients are going to get scared. I feel bad." after the procedure was done.
Dr. 2 was a really nice man, and I overheard him telling someone how he won't let his children be doctors because of how much it takes over your life, and how he had missed seeing his children grow up. He said that each year he says, I will do this or that, but that he never can get away. He asked, "when will I have time for my wife, when I am pushing her in a wheel chair?" He said that in med school they tell you it will get better, but it never does. He did, however, say that he has made some changes and now only works 60 hours a week. That is crazy. I don't think I could ever do that. This is not the first medical professional that I have heard say they won't let their children go into medicine or healthcare. Interesting.
Another patient left Sara and I a sweet note when she left thanking us for our care. She said we were her favorite :) As she left she gave me a hug and said that she "felt like she knew me." This is the second note that has been received with my name mentioned. It does a heart some good.
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