"No one understands."

I slept horribly last night. No idea why, but I woke up at 3:30 am with thoughts, dreams, and schemes. I couldn't go back to sleep. Embracing my sleepless state, I did some work and prepared for my day. I had to go to the education building first thing to take care of my CPR training. That went smoothly except for when I got confused with infant CPR. The instructor confused me when she kept asking me what the next step was, when in reality I was supposed to continue doing the same thing I was already doing. Luckily, she was kind and not too particular with how long it took me to catch on. Then I went up to the 3rd floor which is orthopedics.

The nurse I shadowed is a new nurse who has only been practicing for a year. She got her bachelors from App State and then her nursing degree from John's Hopkins. She said her "plan" was to be an ICU nurse and then go to school to become a CRNA, but that she has realized she needs to quit making plans because life goes differently. She said she is casually applying for other nursing jobs, but isn't sure exactly what type of nursing she wants to do. She said she likes talking to her patients (this is why she has hesitated with CRNA), teaching, critical care, advanced practice, being a leader, and medicine. Sounds like me! She said that as long as she doesn't know what she wants to do, she isn't ready to commit and spend more money on school but that it definitely seems likes an option for the future. We talked about being a doctor vs. a nurse and how it is hard not being the one on the top of totem poll. In school, she was top of her class, smart, motivated, and a leader. She said that no one really understands what it is like working 12 hour shifts in the hospital and that it is hard to relate. I agree. It was really good hearing her voice all of this, because I was feeling like I was the only one. It is like you are in this time warp of busy-ness. Sure, in other jobs you work long hours, but with nursing every moment counts. You aren't given a task list that you can complete at your leisure. Feeling inspired to begin the write-up for your boss at 11:15 instead of 11? Go for it. Needing a lunch pick-me-up from McAllisters? Your colleague may join you. Need to make a doctors appointment? Definitely. In nursing, you can't do any of that. Patients call you during your one 30-minute break to have you wipe their butts. You can't say "no, sorry, I'll come back to you later." You go. If you need a "break" during your shift you go hide (still standing on already sore feet might I add) in the medication closet to try and get yourself together before returning to the floor, where calculating deadly dosages is somehow sandwiched between the roles of waitress and maid. You can't take time off to go get your teeth cleaned or mail that already late birthday package; all of your errands must wait until the next day when you aren't working. The idea of 4 days off sounds wonderful until you factor in that you spend that time recovering from a day of lost life. It's so weird! Sorry if this seems like a rant, I don't mean for it to, it just IS what it IS. I want to learn to adapt to this life, but at the same time I think I just want to work a 9 to 5 like the rest of the world.