When people told me that "you learn so much in your first year of being a nurse," I do not think I understood the weight of those words. I am learning about humans in a way that I never thought possible...
I have washed the arms and hands of a young man who tried to end his life. Deeps wounds, revealing tissue and flesh marked each wrist. The cuts carefully aimed into a tattooed cross and another of the word "faith." Those two tattoos mauled and overshadowed by a new blood-carved one, reading "love."
I have told a barren women, she was pregnant, only to have to come back a few moments later and tell her that her pregnancy was ectopic and she would need emergent surgery. I will never forget the way her husband cried.
I have tied a man down, following orders, only to see him cry and shudder from me.
Each day at least one person yells at me for somehow not meeting their expectations. I realize this is mostly because they are sick (or not sick), frustrated, and tired, but it wears on you.
There have been joys too... A ninety year old man telling me I had beautiful eyes and that he was "falling in love with me," a child smiling when being given a stuffed bear after a shot, or even the staff playing dance music and laughing.
I want to remain optimistic, but I don't know how you can in a place like this. I feel like I have gotten so old in the past year and half. I am faced to deal with the moral question of life and death each day, while most people worry about whether or not their clothes or hair are up-to-par. I smile and try to be strong for everyone else, but I am getting beat down.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Half Marathon
I ran my third half marathon yesterday. I literally had not run for over a month due to work stress, moving, and a hurt hip flexor. I was keeping up my fitness from September to Novemember with CrossFit (which I think triggered my hip problems), but I took a break to focus on getting settled in my new home and save money for grad school.
Last week I really wasn't sure if I would be able to complete the half marathon. I was a little disappointed in myself because I signed up months ago thinking I would have "plenty of time" to train. My friend Michelle and I signed up together, and despite whether or not I could run I was determined to visit her in Charleston this weekend. Michelle helped me to train and complete my first two half marathons and has been a wonderful friend over the course of three years. I think this may be our last half for a while because Michelle moved to Charleston for a Church-plant with her husband and is now 14 weeks pregnant with her first child. Yes, she ran a half marathon pregnant! She is a rock star! Anyways, life seems to be taking us in different directions which is bitter sweet. I suppose that is what happens as you grow up... Anyways, I did it!! Michelle and I ran slow and talked the whole time. It was a very enjoyable experience and we were both able to run safely and listen to our bodies in their current conditions. It was really special being able to share one more run before our lives change yet again.
Personally, this run also showed me how incredible my body and mind are. It is easy to look at our short-comings or failures: I should have worked out more, I should have eaten healthier, I should have woken up earlier, I should have blah blah blah. I think these half marathons are HALF mental. It is believing you are strong and capable, and having the will to complete it. There is so much internal strength and gratification that can come from completing a race... and even more so when you almost don't think you can. I am thankful for this humbling and empowering experience. It is true that there are things I could have done to train faster and harder, but at the end of the day I overcame what I thought was impossible, and there is strength in that.
I have a long way to go before I meet my new year's resolution of a sub-2 hour half marathon, but I now KNOW that it is attainable.
An older nurse gave me some advise the other day. I was frustrated that I wasn't "perfect" at getting IV's on patients (I literally only missed one of twenty-something, which I realize is very good, but not perfect). She said, "Sarah, be patient with yourself. All these skills will come." I think I can apply that to all areas of my life. Who doesn't want everything now? I am used to putting in extra effort to yield quicker and more desireable results, but that doesn't always work in life. Sometimes you just have to wait and be patient.
Last week I really wasn't sure if I would be able to complete the half marathon. I was a little disappointed in myself because I signed up months ago thinking I would have "plenty of time" to train. My friend Michelle and I signed up together, and despite whether or not I could run I was determined to visit her in Charleston this weekend. Michelle helped me to train and complete my first two half marathons and has been a wonderful friend over the course of three years. I think this may be our last half for a while because Michelle moved to Charleston for a Church-plant with her husband and is now 14 weeks pregnant with her first child. Yes, she ran a half marathon pregnant! She is a rock star! Anyways, life seems to be taking us in different directions which is bitter sweet. I suppose that is what happens as you grow up... Anyways, I did it!! Michelle and I ran slow and talked the whole time. It was a very enjoyable experience and we were both able to run safely and listen to our bodies in their current conditions. It was really special being able to share one more run before our lives change yet again.
Personally, this run also showed me how incredible my body and mind are. It is easy to look at our short-comings or failures: I should have worked out more, I should have eaten healthier, I should have woken up earlier, I should have blah blah blah. I think these half marathons are HALF mental. It is believing you are strong and capable, and having the will to complete it. There is so much internal strength and gratification that can come from completing a race... and even more so when you almost don't think you can. I am thankful for this humbling and empowering experience. It is true that there are things I could have done to train faster and harder, but at the end of the day I overcame what I thought was impossible, and there is strength in that.
I have a long way to go before I meet my new year's resolution of a sub-2 hour half marathon, but I now KNOW that it is attainable.
An older nurse gave me some advise the other day. I was frustrated that I wasn't "perfect" at getting IV's on patients (I literally only missed one of twenty-something, which I realize is very good, but not perfect). She said, "Sarah, be patient with yourself. All these skills will come." I think I can apply that to all areas of my life. Who doesn't want everything now? I am used to putting in extra effort to yield quicker and more desireable results, but that doesn't always work in life. Sometimes you just have to wait and be patient.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
THANK YOU for your support! - email from Jan 7th
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who donated! I have officially raised my goal for my trip to Uganda this March! Words cannot express how meaningful it is to have the support from both friends, family, and strangers from the past and present. It is encouraging to be supported in my vision and desires to help those less fortunate. I believe in keeping a posture of giving for myself, and it is exciting to share life with so many people who feel the same. So thank YOU for being awesome! Can you tell that I am excited and overwhelmed? :)
In other news... Besides the monetary provision, I can see how I am being prepared to go overseas from my work in the Emergency Department in Charlotte as a nurse. I am consistently seeing more and more people from Africa and take the opportunity to learn about their home. I am also engaging myself in more pediatric cases to become familiar with population and health risks. I have begun to love my job which I think is largely related to switching to day shift. That has been a huge blessing! Living my life at night was one of the hardest things I have done (I say this I am typing an email at 630am... I am such a morning person.)
Another exciting change is that I moved into a house with some friends last friday. The home has proven to be a respite and has quickly began feeling like home. I will definitely miss Angie & Preston (and the boys!) but this is a good place for me at this stage of life. The home owner has also been very generous and made my monthly bill minimal to help me save for graduate school and my work abroad.
Things are going really well... and your support to Uganda is icing on the cake. Thank you, again.
In other news... Besides the monetary provision, I can see how I am being prepared to go overseas from my work in the Emergency Department in Charlotte as a nurse. I am consistently seeing more and more people from Africa and take the opportunity to learn about their home. I am also engaging myself in more pediatric cases to become familiar with population and health risks. I have begun to love my job which I think is largely related to switching to day shift. That has been a huge blessing! Living my life at night was one of the hardest things I have done (I say this I am typing an email at 630am... I am such a morning person.)
Another exciting change is that I moved into a house with some friends last friday. The home has proven to be a respite and has quickly began feeling like home. I will definitely miss Angie & Preston (and the boys!) but this is a good place for me at this stage of life. The home owner has also been very generous and made my monthly bill minimal to help me save for graduate school and my work abroad.
Things are going really well... and your support to Uganda is icing on the cake. Thank you, again.
2012
My uncle sent me an email that talks about the power of the mind and relates it to goals for 2012. The idea is that if you imagine you already have something, and act as if you have, you create that outcome. I am usually hesitant with things like this, but I figured why not? I have seen miraculous things happen at the hospital when someone sets their mind to it, so why not an average joe like me? Correction: an EXCEPTIONAL woman like me :)
Now that I have completed my very successful year of 2012 and I AM personally fulfilled:
I see (add: color, lightness, darkness): sunshine
I feel (add: motion, direction, balance, tactility, heat, cold, internal sense and external sense): motivated, energized, inspired
I smell: fresh air
I taste: watermellon
I hear: laughing
Be Specific!
Who? ME!
What? Peace
When? Anytime
Where? Anyplace
With Whom? People I love, who love me
How Often? Every day
In What Way, Shape or Form? sitting in the grass, running
Now that I have been living in my outcome for one year I am experiencing: PEACE, and a rockin' bod
For three years? family
For ten years? health and faith
Since my birth? (this takes real imagination): ME & Jesus
Essentially this says that I will (AM?) somewhere tropical with eternal sunshine, relaxed, motivated, happy, healthy, and with people I love. Sounds good to me!
Now that I have completed my very successful year of 2012 and I AM personally fulfilled:
I see (add: color, lightness, darkness): sunshine
I feel (add: motion, direction, balance, tactility, heat, cold, internal sense and external sense): motivated, energized, inspired
I smell: fresh air
I taste: watermellon
I hear: laughing
Be Specific!
Who? ME!
What? Peace
When? Anytime
Where? Anyplace
With Whom? People I love, who love me
How Often? Every day
In What Way, Shape or Form? sitting in the grass, running
Now that I have been living in my outcome for one year I am experiencing: PEACE, and a rockin' bod
For three years? family
For ten years? health and faith
Since my birth? (this takes real imagination): ME & Jesus
Essentially this says that I will (AM?) somewhere tropical with eternal sunshine, relaxed, motivated, happy, healthy, and with people I love. Sounds good to me!
Friday, January 6, 2012
This is why I am Christian. Romans 12:9-21
Love in Action
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[e]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[e]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Generosity
Throughout the day today I wondered if I would raise enough money for my Uganda trip or if I would have to pay out of pocket. Our first deposit was due and I was a little frustrated. Some of the people I thought for sure would support me didn't, and others that I hadn't even thought of poked their heads from the woodwork. I found myself trying to value and compare my work with the volunteering of others. I hate it when I think things like that, because I know each person is beneficial. Those who are paid to "hang out" with 20 year olds are just as important as doctors giving shots.
On my way home from work I stopped at Trader Joe's and struck-up conversation with the guy at the check out. I enjoyed our little chat, smiling and laughing about being tired, and it made me think... Why doesn't everyone do that? What makes some people walk around with a cloud over their heads, snapping at everyone they meet? Half the people that come into the Emergency Room are mean, unthankful, and frankly not even sick! Eek, I sound bitter. I pondered this as I drove home and thought about how I try to be like this in most areas of my life, and how my friends are too. Is this a product of something? Or are we born this way? Who knows. With a smile on my face, I drove home. I checked on my Uganda fund raising page only to see that someone anonymously donated $900, enough to cover the rest of my trip. I was and AM floored. I don't know why, but this act of generosity is meaningful to me on many levels. For one, the fact that I was able to raise enough to go and know that people support my goals and dreams is incredible. Secondly, a donation of that amount feels like a gift for all the times I have been generous. I really do try to be a giving, attentive person. Sometimes this leads to me getting hurt, feeling unappreciated, or even taken for granted. Maybe all people feel this way. But this act of generosity... it restores in me a hope. It shows me that my actions and choices do not go unnoticed, and encourages me to continue pursuing a life like Jesus. Amen.
On my way home from work I stopped at Trader Joe's and struck-up conversation with the guy at the check out. I enjoyed our little chat, smiling and laughing about being tired, and it made me think... Why doesn't everyone do that? What makes some people walk around with a cloud over their heads, snapping at everyone they meet? Half the people that come into the Emergency Room are mean, unthankful, and frankly not even sick! Eek, I sound bitter. I pondered this as I drove home and thought about how I try to be like this in most areas of my life, and how my friends are too. Is this a product of something? Or are we born this way? Who knows. With a smile on my face, I drove home. I checked on my Uganda fund raising page only to see that someone anonymously donated $900, enough to cover the rest of my trip. I was and AM floored. I don't know why, but this act of generosity is meaningful to me on many levels. For one, the fact that I was able to raise enough to go and know that people support my goals and dreams is incredible. Secondly, a donation of that amount feels like a gift for all the times I have been generous. I really do try to be a giving, attentive person. Sometimes this leads to me getting hurt, feeling unappreciated, or even taken for granted. Maybe all people feel this way. But this act of generosity... it restores in me a hope. It shows me that my actions and choices do not go unnoticed, and encourages me to continue pursuing a life like Jesus. Amen.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year
A friend of mine decided to do a "spiritual fast" for the first 21 days of the new year and I decided to join her. I have been feeling a bit disillusioned with the x,y,z of how I am "supposed to be" a Christian, and am finding freedom in letting go of religiosity and perfectionism. I always encourage my friends to do that, but seem to struggle in giving myself the same grace. Therefore, one of my new years resolutions is to be nicer to myself and to explore what I like and don't like, instead of what I expect myself to like. I want to listen to my heart more, and go with that. I spend time praying and meditating each day, yet I am so unmotivated to do anything "Church-y." On one hand this is frustrating because I feel like I should be missing Church, but on the other hand I feel more at peace, more MYSELF. I have found community in various places... living with the Hairgroves was a huge blessing, friendships, occasionally attending small group, etc. I think another reason I am questioning religiosity is because of the few relationships that haven't been as supportive of this internal change. Before I throw the baby out with the bath water, I decided to give this thing a try. A real attempt to be attentive to myself and God, and to rid myself of distractions.
Today I was on my way to the Hairgroves to pick up a few final things and decided to get gas on the way. While I was there a lady asked me if I had any cash because she lost hers and needed gas to get home. I literally had one dollar and told her so. She sighed and said she would call her sister to come help her. As I continued to fill up my tank, my heart wanted to give her money, it felt right. Not because someone on the pulpit told me so, but because isn't this what we should do as people? I used my credit card to give her some gas. She thanked me and shook my hand, telling me she worked as a home health nurse. Interesting! Feeling uplifted, I went on to Angie and Preston's to get more of my things. While I was at the house I shared my recent thoughts on letting go of rules in dating and in life, and the couple were incredibly encouraging. I really look up to them and their guidance. It was nice to hear them say that they support my current choices and that I "am in a good place." I truly believe that I am, but it is easy to doubt myself when my life looks so much differently than the "perfect picture" I plastered on my face a year ago. We also exchanged words about what a meaningful season it was to live together... and Angie said that me, personally (not anyone else!), being a part of the family was a huge blessing. This meant a lot. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy to have chosen living with them, but I knew it was for a reason. I will forever be grateful for their friendship, learning from their relationship, and seeing the way they attempt to balance logic, goals, and creativity.
I hope I don't ever think I have everything figured out. There is so much excitement in the unknown. All that matters is that I follow my heart... because at the end of the day it is between me and God, and no one else. Maybe I will start following my own advice :)
Things may be a bit messy at times, but it is far better to take risks that to try to prevent and protect. Here is to living without life recipes!
Today I was on my way to the Hairgroves to pick up a few final things and decided to get gas on the way. While I was there a lady asked me if I had any cash because she lost hers and needed gas to get home. I literally had one dollar and told her so. She sighed and said she would call her sister to come help her. As I continued to fill up my tank, my heart wanted to give her money, it felt right. Not because someone on the pulpit told me so, but because isn't this what we should do as people? I used my credit card to give her some gas. She thanked me and shook my hand, telling me she worked as a home health nurse. Interesting! Feeling uplifted, I went on to Angie and Preston's to get more of my things. While I was at the house I shared my recent thoughts on letting go of rules in dating and in life, and the couple were incredibly encouraging. I really look up to them and their guidance. It was nice to hear them say that they support my current choices and that I "am in a good place." I truly believe that I am, but it is easy to doubt myself when my life looks so much differently than the "perfect picture" I plastered on my face a year ago. We also exchanged words about what a meaningful season it was to live together... and Angie said that me, personally (not anyone else!), being a part of the family was a huge blessing. This meant a lot. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy to have chosen living with them, but I knew it was for a reason. I will forever be grateful for their friendship, learning from their relationship, and seeing the way they attempt to balance logic, goals, and creativity.
I hope I don't ever think I have everything figured out. There is so much excitement in the unknown. All that matters is that I follow my heart... because at the end of the day it is between me and God, and no one else. Maybe I will start following my own advice :)
Things may be a bit messy at times, but it is far better to take risks that to try to prevent and protect. Here is to living without life recipes!
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