Happy New Year

A friend of mine decided to do a "spiritual fast" for the first 21 days of the new year and I decided to join her. I have been feeling a bit disillusioned with the x,y,z of how I am "supposed to be" a Christian, and am finding freedom in letting go of religiosity and perfectionism. I always encourage my friends to do that, but seem to struggle in giving myself the same grace. Therefore, one of my new years resolutions is to be nicer to myself and to explore what I like and don't like, instead of what I expect myself to like. I want to listen to my heart more, and go with that. I spend time praying and meditating each day, yet I am so unmotivated to do anything "Church-y." On one hand this is frustrating because I feel like I should be missing Church, but on the other hand I feel more at peace, more MYSELF. I have found community in various places... living with the Hairgroves was a huge blessing, friendships, occasionally attending small group, etc. I think another reason I am questioning religiosity is because of the few relationships that haven't been as supportive of this internal change. Before I throw the baby out with the bath water, I decided to give this thing a try. A real attempt to be attentive to myself and God, and to rid myself of distractions.

Today I was on my way to the Hairgroves to pick up a few final things and decided to get gas on the way. While I was there a lady asked me if I had any cash because she lost hers and needed gas to get home. I literally had one dollar and told her so. She sighed and said she would call her sister to come help her. As I continued to fill up my tank, my heart wanted to give her money, it felt right. Not because someone on the pulpit told me so, but because isn't this what we should do as people? I used my credit card to give her some gas. She thanked me and shook my hand, telling me she worked as a home health nurse. Interesting! Feeling uplifted, I went on to Angie and Preston's to get more of my things. While I was at the house I shared my recent thoughts on letting go of rules in dating and in life, and the couple were incredibly encouraging. I really look up to them and their guidance. It was nice to hear them say that they support my current choices and that I "am in a good place." I truly believe that I am, but it is easy to doubt myself when my life looks so much differently than the "perfect picture" I plastered on my face a year ago. We also exchanged words about what a meaningful season it was to live together... and Angie said that me, personally (not anyone else!), being a part of the family was a huge blessing. This meant a lot. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy to have chosen living with them, but I knew it was for a reason. I will forever be grateful for their friendship, learning from their relationship, and seeing the way they attempt to balance logic, goals, and creativity.

I hope I don't ever think I have everything figured out. There is so much excitement in the unknown. All that matters is that I follow my heart... because at the end of the day it is between me and God, and no one else. Maybe I will start following my own advice :)

Things may be a bit messy at times, but it is far better to take risks that to try to prevent and protect. Here is to living without life recipes!